Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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