next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
