So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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