also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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