I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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