I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
MIDGETS
????
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
