Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Randomize
