Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
