I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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