It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
did i walk over a car last night?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
