just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
