hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
