woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
