While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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