oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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