Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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