I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
