I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
