i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
