I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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