i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
