A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
