Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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