apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
