my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize