I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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