I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
