There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
