If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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