no, he came in my armpit
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
