Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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