life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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