nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
