nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
