i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
