the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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