Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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