This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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