He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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