I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
