I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
