When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
