She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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