I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
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