cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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