dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
