Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize