U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
