This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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