Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
