you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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