I smell stomach acid.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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