I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
