Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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