The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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