I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
