some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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