Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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