Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We left the knife in your bed.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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