I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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