The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
