The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
