I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
