How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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