So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
we made out on top of his cat.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
