he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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